An autistic awakening through LSD and reading the truth contest
Hello everyone I wanted to share my experience with awakening. I should start with a little background information about myself. When I was a kid I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. looking back at it now I realize that there wasn’t anything really wrong with me I just had serious insecurity issues because of constant bullying and hate by my peers and even adults.
I was bullied a lot in Elementary school and it made me have a very negative outlook on life, it wasn’t until I started meeting people who had compassion in their hearts that my life started to change. So fast foward to when I’m 19 years old and just graduated High School, everything felt off to me for some reason I had just lost a lot of weight (over 90 pounds) I did this because I felt like being fat was holding me back and everyone was proud of me, some people were still negative to me of course but I got a lot more people who were actually rooting for me and were proud of me but at the same time I felt weird like something was missing. I still had constant anxiety, I spent a lot of time alone and I still do but whenever I went on I felt like I was constantly being judged by other people even if they weren’t or I wouldn’t know if they were judging me.
I guess it was from being bullied for so many years of my life, I lost my trust in people and I felt like everyone was out to get me even the people who still loved me and were trying to help. I started reading a lot about spirituality on my free time, one of the first things I read was the truth contest which really struck me as interesting and I went back and read it over and over again. I started digging deeper and read even more stuff, from the teachings of Buddha, to Eckhart Tolles book the power of now, spirit science, the bible, I read everything I possibly could my intention was to find out the truth.
I wanted to know there was more to this life then met the eye, because I was in a state of constant misery battling depression and anxiety I did everything I could, but it felt like nothing worked, one of the main things keeping me from suicide was the thought of hurting my loved ones especially my mother. Well at the time I had a small group of friends I did hang out with occasionally, we didn’t have a lot in common in fact I was quite different then them but I was still glad to have them as friends.
We smoked cannabis together, occasionally we would drink alcohol. One day my friend bought a strip of some high quality high dose acid and some sugar cubes. I have never been a hard druggy, I was happy with just cannabis, but I heard a lot about lsd and how it can open your perspective so I was willing to try it out.
The first time I bought LSD I had just one strip and didn’t feel anything, this time I was taking a sugar cube which was infused with over 2 doses and I had just lost a lot of weight. So I eat the sugar cube, with a few of my friends it was a great time in fact possibly the most happiest I ever was my entire life just talking and hanging out with my friends we were laughing and joking about everything and I started to realize that life isn’t really all that serious as our mind makes it out to be.
So me and my friends are tripping for hours, it turns out that their lsd wore off early because they had a less strong dose compared to me and they fell asleep. So I was alone and the trip was still pretty intense for me, I decided to walk home and so I did I put some pink floyd on and put head phones in my ears and wow that was amazing like words can not describe. When I got home and took my headphones off I was still pretty euphoric but even through all that I felt some anxiety. I sat down and turned on my computer, I started reading the truth contest again, I already had it open in a tab before I left.
I couldn’t stop reading it and all these questions surged through my head, and my anxiety came back stronger then ever before, my mind worrying about this worrying about this, something inside me cried out IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER WE ALL DIE ANYWAY. Right then everything went silent. and it felt so strange it was like my mind was dead it was no longer thinking. I suddenly got very scared and started crying I thought I messed up, I started saying I sure done it this time I immediately apologized to God even though I didn’t believe in him prior to this experience, I said i’m sorry God I really messed up, I think my brain is dead I think my body is shot, why I said this I don’t know it was the most bizarre feeling ever it was like God had forsaken me it was like I had no soul and I was just empty.
For the next few weeks after that I was more depressed then I ever been before, I kept bursting out in tears for no reason even though I just wanted to surrender and move on, I realize now that it was just cleansing my body of old negative energies. Now I have made a lot of changes, I switched to a vegan diet, starting listening to bi-narul beats, meditate frequently and it’s much easier for me to stay present. Somewhere along my path I came to the conclusion that if i’m going to be in this body I might as well make it a body worth living in.
Nowadays my life is completely different, and I realize that my social awkwardness was just pointless and resistance to what is, I realize that anyone, even the most unintelligent person in the world can come off as likable with some confidence. After the dark night of the soul everything was much more clearer to me though it wasn’t a short walk I remember multiple times within the dark night (more like months) that I thought it was over and I would never be the same again. I realize now that out of darkness comes light, a light brighter than any other. Sending my love to all the truth seekers out there, keep searching within for yourself.
With Love, Austin
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